Harlotry is a Word (Genesis 38)

I last left off describing how Joseph gets screwed by his brothers. I should have mentioned that one of them, Judah, was actually against it and spoke up on his behalf. No matter. Genesis 38 turns to Judah and some of the weird stuff that goes on between him and the ladies.

Judah goes off the beaten path and marries this woman named Shua, who bears him three sons. The firstborn is called Er, which sounds like something hipster parents would come up with. The other two sons  are called Onan and Shelah (confusing for everyone). Er was "wicked in the sight of the Lord" (Gen 38:7) so the Lord slew him. Lack of specificity is an issue in the Bible. Judah encourages Onan to do his brotherly duty and have sex with Er's wife, Tamar. For some reason, Onan is against impregnating his dead brother's wife and decides to pull out. And wouldn't you know it - the Lord doesn't like all this perfectly useful semen being wasted and slays Onan, too. This is the first time I've come across the word "semen" in the Bible.

Tamar is an odd duck because she gets it into her head that it'd be a fun prank to disguise herself and have sex with Judah. When he encounters her, Judah thinks that she's a harlot because her face is covered and he trades sex with her for his signet (a seal), cord and staff. I don't know what use this stuff is to her. Anyway, she gets pregnant and three months later Judah is told, "Tamar, your daughter-in-law has played the harlot; and moreover she is with child by harlotry" (Gen 38:24). When he realizes that she's pregnant by him his initial reaction is to burn her but then he feels bad that he didn't give her to his youngest son Shelah (which I guess would have been the proper thing to do). He probably didn't think of Shelah because he has a girl's name. Tamar has twins: one is named Zerah and the other (ethnic) one, Perez.

One of the Colours in the Coat of Many Colours is Blood (Genesis 36-38)

Man, do women ever get a raw deal in the Bible. This is the best: Israel's (Jacob's) family is on the move again (again?!) and Rachel goes into "hard labour," (Gen 35:16) which implies that there is an alternative "easy labour" to be had. Rachel is a little distressed to say the least but the midwife has some comforting words for her: "Fear not; for now you will have another son" (Gen 35:17). It's fine that she might die or rip herself open between her vagina and anus during labour because she'll be gifting another male to the world. And... she dies. Israel is sad but cheers himself up by getting with his father's concubine.

Isaac dies, aged one hundred and eighty years old, and his sons bury him. No mention of any sort of wake or assorted cold-cut platter.

Genesis 36 contained way too many names for me to regurgitate. It names the descendents of Esau. Boring. Let's push on.

Things start cooking again in Genesis 37 when Joseph, from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat, arrives on the scene. Joseph, aged sixteen at this point in the story, is Israel's son and definitely his father's favourite. Israel makes no secret of this and gives him a robe with long sleeves (which all teenaged boys love). Joseph's brothers are jealous of him but Joseph doesn't really pick up on this because he keeps bragging about some dream about wheat sheaves that supposedly symbolizes that he'll rule over them one day. So they decide to kill him and throw him into a pit. I should mention that everyone's on board for this except for one of the brothers, Rueben.

They almost do kill him but a caravan of Ishmaelites comes along and they decide to sell him to them instead for twenty shekels. I tried to look up what a shekel was but since I don't know if the coins were gold or silver, I can't tell how much twenty is worth. It's possible that the shekels weren't coins at all but a measure of barley. Interesting.

Joseph's brothers took his robe before they sold him and what they do with it is dip it in goat blood so that when they show it to Israel he thinks his son is dead, specifically killed by a wild beast. All this over a stupid robe.

Statuatory "Humbling" (Genesis 32-34)

Finally I've come across one of the things in the Bible that I've been looking forward to: bizarre dietary restrictions (and reasons for). In Genesis 32, Jacob is returning to his brother Esau to be his servant (you'll recall that Esau is his people's leader because he tricked his blind father into naming him his successor). At some point in the journey, Jacob sends his wife, children and servants ahead of him, and all of a sudden, this guy appears and starts to wrestle with him: "And Jacob was left alone; and a man wrestled with him until the breaking of the day" (Gen 32:24). There's no more context here than what's in the Bible. Amazing. The guy realizes (after many hours) that he will not win the spontaneous wrestling match that he initiated so he does the standard thing and touches the "hollow of his [Jacob's] thigh," which I'm guessing is just south of the groin proper. "Therefore to this day the Israelites do not eat the sinew of the hip which is upon the hollow of the thigh, because he touched the hollow of Jacob's thigh on the sinew of the hip" (Gen 32:32). Jacob believes that this guy was actually God in human form (which I'm realizing is all over the Old Testament) but then again, that might just be what he has to tell himself to make it less homoerotic in his mind.

Another thing that's all over the Old Testament is the number seven, and I wonder why. When Jacob meets Esau in Genesis 33, he bows to him seven times, which seems like overkill to me.

Jacob and Esau find themselves in the city of Shechem (in Canaan). Dinah, one of Jacob's daughters through Leah wanders off somewhere and is spotted by Shechem himself who takes a shine to her and - as the Bible puts it - humbles her. What a spectacular euphemism. I'm starting to wonder if there is an equivalent word for rape in the Bible's original language. I'm guessing no. What's happened to Dinah is pretty awkward for everyone so Shechem's father Hamor tries to smooth things over by talking some bullshit about how his son's soul longed for hers and that they should just go ahead and get married. Jacob's objection to this proposition has little to do with the fact that Shechem is a rapist and everything to do with his uncircumcised penis. So as long as he gets circumcised, Shechem can marry Dinah and the families can be united. Great. 

Surprisingly, Dinah's brothers stick up for her after she's forced to marry her rapist (why not before?). They go into the city of Shechem with their swords drawn and kill all the males. All of them, including Shechem and Hamor. And they also swipe a bunch of stuff. Must be nice to have brothers who'll do that for you.

Makin' Babies, Makin' Covenants (Genesis 31)

I wish the print were bigger. I prefer reading books that have lots of pages and big print. Then you can sit back after you've read for a bit and see what fine progress you've made.

I do not get that feeling with the Bible.

Sigh.

Okay, so Laban is pissed that Jacob took off with his two daughters, grandkids and a whole wackload of his flock. He pursues him for seven days (there's that number again) with a bunch of his cronies and eventually catches up with him. They have a big, long, boring argument. It also comes out that Jacob took Laban's household gods. This is the first time polytheism is mentioned, and I wonder how God feels about it. He is silent on the issue for now. I'd like to know what gods were popular then. I'll look that up.

After this big, long, boring arugument, Jacob and Lavan decide to make a covenant. Witness to the covenent is a pile of stones. Laban says, "We need a witness," and Jacob's like, "How about this stone?" and Laban's like, "I'll do you one better; how about a pile of stones?". Hmm. I don't really see the sense in a pile of stones being a legal witness. Seem odd, and I've certainly never seen it in a court of law. And what's wrong with the guys Laban brought along? Why can't they be witnesses? The Bible is full of mystery.

Big Love (Genesis 28-30)

Jacob sets off to find a wife (anyone will do, as long as she's not a Hittite) and encounters Rachel, who he immediately falls in love with. He strikes a deal with her father, Laban, that he'll serve him for seven years and after that amount of time, he'll get his daughter. Seven years. That's a pretty raw deal. Jacob's bartering skills couldn't have been very good. If you were Laban, you could really milk that.

When seven years is up, Jacob eagerly awaits the wedding night. After the feast, his bride is sent to him and he "go[es] into her" (Gen 29:21). I guess because it's dark he doesn't notice that Rachel's older and near-sighted sister Leah is given to him instead. In the morning he's pretty pissed. Laban screws him over for another seven years of labour, at the end of which he can take Rachel as a second wife. Hmm. Darkness and blindness are proving to be useful plot devices in the Bible.

Rachel is Jacob's true love so God, being God, decides to mess with that by making her barren and making Leah fecund to the max. Leah has something like six sons. Rachel, feeling inadequate, gives Jacob her maid to have a son by (to make up for her barrennes???). Then Leah gives Jacob her maid! He's up to his knees with women. Rachel is probably going mental by now and begs God for a bun in the oven, which he begrudgingly grants. Once she gives birth to Joseph, Jacob decides that he and his family should get the hell out of there so he doesn't have to do any more chores for stupid Laban.

Playing Favourites (Genesis 25-27)

Man, I hope this process speeds up. I just realized I've only just passed the half-way point for the Book of Genesis. Maybe things will speed up when I hit Leviticus, which I hear is mostly crazy pronouncements anyways.

At the outset of chapter 25 of the Book of Genesis, Abraham decides to take a whole bunch of concubines in his old age. Good for him. He dies with a big smile on his face and is buried next to his dead wife Sarah.  I guess infidelity becomes a sin only after it gets inscribed on Moses' stone tablets.

Trouble is a-brewin' in Rebekkah's womb: "Two nations are in your womb, and two peoples, born of you, shall be divided; the one shall be stronger than the other, the elder shall serve the younger" (Gen 25:23). Uh-oh. Sounds like another case of sibling rivalry. We've seen that before. Two sons are born, Esau and Jacob (isn't sibling rivalry so much worse with girls?). Esau is the jock-type, a good hunter and is his father's favourite; Jacob is quiet, bookish and prefers to spend his time indoors (well, in tents) and is his mother's favourite. Apparently, only one of them can be blessed by their father to be ruler of their people. In old age, Isaac loses his sight and Rebekkah hatches a plan (always the women being mischevious) to fool him into giving the blessing to Jacob. Jacob is not convinced of this plan because he's pretty hairy and he's afraid Isaac will feel his chest rug or something like that and figure it out. While Esau is out hunting some savoury food for his old Dad, Jacob sneaks in and manages to fool him (although I would expect perhaps a deeper voice to go along with the hirsuteness...?). Needless to say, Esau is pissed and intends to kill Jacob, who flees. Rebekkah is greatly concerned that he'll wind up marrying one of those Hittite women while he's off on his own. I guess there's a bit of racism there. I hear there's plenty more of that to come.

Jokes! I Wasn't Really Going to Let You Kill Your Son (Genesis 19-24)

I'm surprised. In this part of the Bible, God backs up a woman. Since it's been a few years since Sarah's delivered a son, she decides that there's no need for Hagar and Ishmael to keep kicking around. So she goes on a bit of a power trip and tells Abraham to cast the two out. He's hesitant but then - from the heavens - "Do as your wife tells you" (Gen 19:12). Get out! God tells Abraham to listen to a woman. And soon thereafter Hagar and Ishmael are out of the picture.

This next bit is pretty well-known. God asks Abraham to sacrifice as a burnt offering his only son, Isaac, to prove his loyalty. Abraham somehow gets Isaac to come along for the journey to the mountains of Moriah (maybe he tells him he's going to Disneyland). Isaac is looking around and he's seeing all the necessary accoutrements for the sacrifice (wood, knife, etc) and he's like, "Where's the lamb?" And Abraham is like, "Uh, God's going to bring it soon," which makes no sense because why ask for a sacrifice of something you're going to provide yourself? Anyways, Abraham raises his knife to kill Isaac and God is like, "Jokes!"

So God was just testing Abraham. This is supposed to be a good lesson about faith in God, but frankly, I don't see it. Is blind obedience a good thing? I don't know - ask someone who lived in German in the 30s and 40s.

A few years later, Isaac is old enough to require a wife. Abraham sends out one of his slaves to go "get" one from among his people. The slave is none too bright because his method is to park his camel and then say to any passing woman, "Pray, give me a little water from your jar to drink". The first woman who replies, "Drink, and I will draw for your camel also," is the lucky lady (Gen 24:43-44). It's like they're spies speaking in code. Aren't there matchmakers? Well, as it turns out, a woman named Rebekkah gives the right reply (which maybe is a lesson about kindness to animals?). Isaac takes a shine to her, so the slave did a pretty good job after all.