Correction: I think in my last post I said that Aaron was Moses' son but he's actually his younger, hotter brother.
It's time for Moses to change tactics. Constantly telling the Pharaoh to let his people go is just not working. No wonder. The Pharaoh has no idea who the Lord is since he's from a culture that worships cats (and rightly so). Moses' nagging pisses off the Pharaoh so much that he decides to force his Hebrew slaves to work even harder making bricks.
This is bad. Moses turns to God for an alternative solution. And God is like, "No problem. I've got one: Just tell the Pharaoh to let my people go". Wait - what? Do you know what the definition of insanity is? It's doing the same thing over and over again and expecting to get different results.
Moses feels he's just not being listened to, and he isn't: "Behold, the people of Israel have not listened to me; how then shall Pharaoh listen to me, who am a man of uncircumcised lips?" (Exo 6:12). This is a horrible sounding sentence and frankly, I don't know what it means. I've been sitting here now for a few minutes trying to conjure up a killer female circumcision joke but I've just realized that "female circumcision" and "joke" typically don't go together.
Finally, God "gets" it and suggests that Moses try one of his party tricks to wow the crowd. So Moses chucks a rod down on the ground and it turns into a snake. But - wait. The Pharaoh calls up his bevvy of sorcerers and they duplicate the same trick. Moses must have felt like a big idiot. So Aaron casts his rod over the Nile and it turns to blood, which kills all the fish. What a waste. But at least now they have the Pharaoh's attention.
Next God sends a plague of frogs to Egypt which "shall come into your house, and into your bedchamber and on your bed, and into the houses of your servants and of your people, and into your ovens and your kneading bowls..." (Exo 8:3). No! Not the kneading bowls! But I love delicious bread! This plague of frogs is meant to scare but the Pharaoh's sorcerers bring forth even more frogs using their Harry Potter-esque "secret arts".
This is getting out of hand. The Pharaoh is like, "Enough with the frogs - their tiny carcasses are stinking up the joint". But to drive the point home, God zaps him with a whole bunch of flies. Interestingly, the sorcerers can't figure out the spell for flies (which, you would think would be less challenging than frogs) and the Pharaoh finds himself at God's mercy because flies are really, really annoying unless you have one of those Tilley hats with corks dangling from the brim.
My Mum's Ancient Family Bible
Kept in the garage of all places for so many years, it's finally been put to good use.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
The Burning Bush and Other STIs (Exodus 3-4)
When we last left off, Moses had high-tailed it out of the Pharaoh's lands. He winds up in the wilderness somewhere west of there and sees God in a burning bush. God has appeared several times already in human guise but I suppose he thought it was getting a tad old.
God the Bush tells Moses that he's upset my the oppression of his people by the Egyptians and he wants him to take them out of there. Moses is to be God's representative. He asks, "If I come to the people of Israel and say to them, 'The God of your fathers has sent me to you,' and they ask me, 'What is his name?" what shall I say to them?" (Exo 3:13). God replies rather sassily -- and this is in fact in caps lock in the Bible -- "I AM WHO I AM" (Exo 3:14). To me, this sounds like the title of a song by Brandi or Monica. More specifically, the kind of song that perhaps has parentheses: "I AM (who I AM). I should be a music producer.
Moses points out an obvious problem: what if his people don't believe him and think he's some sort of charlatan? God's solution is to give him three cool magic tricks that he can whip out whenever he likes. These are:
1) He can turn a rod into a snake by chucking it on the ground
2) He can make his hand have leprosy by putting it down his shirt and then pulling it out
3) He can pour water from the Nile onto the ground and turn it into blood
Neato! Do it again, mister!
God does things in a very round-about way, I must say. He tells Moses to go the Pharaoh and demand that he let his people go; however, he plans on "harden[ing] his heart" so that the Pharaoh won't listen to Moses (Exo 4:21). He's creating conflict for no good reason. I don't understand the next thing that happens either: God tries to kill somebody, but it's unclear who - I think it's Aaron, Moses' son. Moses' wife Zipporah steps in and saves the day by circumcising Aaron on the spot, which makes him invincible...? She says to Aaron, "You are a bridegroom of blood". This is something that should be scrawled across a banner and hung at every briss. It's cheery.
God the Bush tells Moses that he's upset my the oppression of his people by the Egyptians and he wants him to take them out of there. Moses is to be God's representative. He asks, "If I come to the people of Israel and say to them, 'The God of your fathers has sent me to you,' and they ask me, 'What is his name?" what shall I say to them?" (Exo 3:13). God replies rather sassily -- and this is in fact in caps lock in the Bible -- "I AM WHO I AM" (Exo 3:14). To me, this sounds like the title of a song by Brandi or Monica. More specifically, the kind of song that perhaps has parentheses: "I AM (who I AM). I should be a music producer.
Moses points out an obvious problem: what if his people don't believe him and think he's some sort of charlatan? God's solution is to give him three cool magic tricks that he can whip out whenever he likes. These are:
1) He can turn a rod into a snake by chucking it on the ground
2) He can make his hand have leprosy by putting it down his shirt and then pulling it out
3) He can pour water from the Nile onto the ground and turn it into blood
Neato! Do it again, mister!
God does things in a very round-about way, I must say. He tells Moses to go the Pharaoh and demand that he let his people go; however, he plans on "harden[ing] his heart" so that the Pharaoh won't listen to Moses (Exo 4:21). He's creating conflict for no good reason. I don't understand the next thing that happens either: God tries to kill somebody, but it's unclear who - I think it's Aaron, Moses' son. Moses' wife Zipporah steps in and saves the day by circumcising Aaron on the spot, which makes him invincible...? She says to Aaron, "You are a bridegroom of blood". This is something that should be scrawled across a banner and hung at every briss. It's cheery.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Sand is Not a Good Place to Hide a Body (Exodus 1-2)
If the Book of Genesis was like Remains of the Day (i.e., boring), I'm hoping that Exodus is like Commando (i.e., exciting). That movie with Charlton Heston promised a lot.
Exodus 1 starts off by describing the plight of the Hebrews under the rule of the Egyptians. The Egyptians are concerned that the Hebrews will multiply rapidly like gremlins so they decide to "deal shrewdly" with them (Exo 1:10) and work them to the bone. Specifically, they get them to build things like "store-cities" (strip malls?). Their tactic fails; for whatever reason, all that hard work horns up the Hebrews like they're Irish Catholics and they start having babies like crazy.
The Egyptians deal with this population explosion by killing every male child (and, like China, rigorously training every female child in either gymnastics or ping-pong). Some of the midwives take issue with this rule and let some slip through the cracks, saying that Hebrew women pop out their babies so fast that the midwives can't get their in time. The Bible. So obviously written by men.
One particular male child avoids death because he's placed in a basket and sent down the Nile in the hopes that someone kind enough will find him and raise him (it's Moses, in case you haven't guessed). He's discovered by the Pharaoh's daughter and is welcomed into the family in the vein of the Jolie-Pitts.
So Moses grows up acutely aware he's an outsider and sympathetic to the burdens of his own people, the Hebrews. One day he's out and about and he sees an Egyptian beating a Hebrew. So he does the logical thing and kills the Egyptian and then hides his body in the sand. Oblivious to the fact that settling disputes is not his forte, the next day he buds into a fight between two Hebrew men. One of them says to him, "Who made you a prince and a judge over us? Do you mean to kill me as you killed the Egyptian?" (Exo 2:14). Uh-oh. The gig is up (is it gig or jig?). Moses goes into hiding.
Exodus 1 starts off by describing the plight of the Hebrews under the rule of the Egyptians. The Egyptians are concerned that the Hebrews will multiply rapidly like gremlins so they decide to "deal shrewdly" with them (Exo 1:10) and work them to the bone. Specifically, they get them to build things like "store-cities" (strip malls?). Their tactic fails; for whatever reason, all that hard work horns up the Hebrews like they're Irish Catholics and they start having babies like crazy.
The Egyptians deal with this population explosion by killing every male child (and, like China, rigorously training every female child in either gymnastics or ping-pong). Some of the midwives take issue with this rule and let some slip through the cracks, saying that Hebrew women pop out their babies so fast that the midwives can't get their in time. The Bible. So obviously written by men.
One particular male child avoids death because he's placed in a basket and sent down the Nile in the hopes that someone kind enough will find him and raise him (it's Moses, in case you haven't guessed). He's discovered by the Pharaoh's daughter and is welcomed into the family in the vein of the Jolie-Pitts.
So Moses grows up acutely aware he's an outsider and sympathetic to the burdens of his own people, the Hebrews. One day he's out and about and he sees an Egyptian beating a Hebrew. So he does the logical thing and kills the Egyptian and then hides his body in the sand. Oblivious to the fact that settling disputes is not his forte, the next day he buds into a fight between two Hebrew men. One of them says to him, "Who made you a prince and a judge over us? Do you mean to kill me as you killed the Egyptian?" (Exo 2:14). Uh-oh. The gig is up (is it gig or jig?). Moses goes into hiding.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
I'm a Slave 4 U (Genesis 46-50)
Before I wind down the Book of Genesis, I think that I should mention some of the things in it that are presented as perfectly acceptable:
Incest
Polygamy
Revenge
Lying
General Trickery
Making People Slaves
Passing Out Naked in Front of Your Tent
Killing Lots and Lots of People
Handing Your Daughter Over for Gang Rape
I know the Old Testament doesn't have the warm and fuzzy reputation of the New, but c'mon. What is most confusing to me about using the Bible as a moral reference is that it is completey unclear which lessons we're supposed to draw on.
Okay. Genesis 46 picks up with Joseph, who has recently been reunited with his brothers and father. Unfortunately, they're shepherds and it's the middle of a famine. Shepherding skills are about as useful as a bag of dust right about now. Anyway, this was set up to be a big crisis but it's not even a big deal because they're sent off to the more fertile land of Goshen, which leaves me wondering why everyone doesn't go there if it's better. I don't know. Perhaps Egyptians are a listless people who enjoy complaining.
As previously established, Joseph is in charge of selling grain. When the people run out of money he takes their cattle. When the people run out of cattle he takes their fields. And finally, when the people run out of fields he makes them slaves. What a great guy. All this profits the Pharaoh, on whom Joseph must have some sort of a man-crush.
Israel, Joseph's father, gives a big, long speech on his deathbed about his twelve sons and what different fates will find them. There are clearly favourites. Personally, I'd want to be Asher: "Asher's food shall be rich, and he shall yield royal dainties" (Gen 49: 20). I interpret this to mean that he'll become some sort of superior pastry chef or chocolatier. It's probably more important to note that the descendents of his twelve sons comprise the tribes of Israel.
Genesis 50 ends with Joseph forgiving his brothers for their previous transgressions against him (I thought we were already past that?). He says, "As for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good..." (Gen 50:20). This seems very Eat, Pray, Love to me. You know, everyone's a teacher to you and you're on a journey and you wouldn't be who you are today if it weren't for... blah, blah, blah.
I love that book/movie.
Incest
Polygamy
Revenge
Lying
General Trickery
Making People Slaves
Passing Out Naked in Front of Your Tent
Killing Lots and Lots of People
Handing Your Daughter Over for Gang Rape
I know the Old Testament doesn't have the warm and fuzzy reputation of the New, but c'mon. What is most confusing to me about using the Bible as a moral reference is that it is completey unclear which lessons we're supposed to draw on.
Okay. Genesis 46 picks up with Joseph, who has recently been reunited with his brothers and father. Unfortunately, they're shepherds and it's the middle of a famine. Shepherding skills are about as useful as a bag of dust right about now. Anyway, this was set up to be a big crisis but it's not even a big deal because they're sent off to the more fertile land of Goshen, which leaves me wondering why everyone doesn't go there if it's better. I don't know. Perhaps Egyptians are a listless people who enjoy complaining.
As previously established, Joseph is in charge of selling grain. When the people run out of money he takes their cattle. When the people run out of cattle he takes their fields. And finally, when the people run out of fields he makes them slaves. What a great guy. All this profits the Pharaoh, on whom Joseph must have some sort of a man-crush.
Israel, Joseph's father, gives a big, long speech on his deathbed about his twelve sons and what different fates will find them. There are clearly favourites. Personally, I'd want to be Asher: "Asher's food shall be rich, and he shall yield royal dainties" (Gen 49: 20). I interpret this to mean that he'll become some sort of superior pastry chef or chocolatier. It's probably more important to note that the descendents of his twelve sons comprise the tribes of Israel.
Genesis 50 ends with Joseph forgiving his brothers for their previous transgressions against him (I thought we were already past that?). He says, "As for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good..." (Gen 50:20). This seems very Eat, Pray, Love to me. You know, everyone's a teacher to you and you're on a journey and you wouldn't be who you are today if it weren't for... blah, blah, blah.
I love that book/movie.
Monday, January 17, 2011
The Fat Ass of the Land (Genesis 43-46)
I don't understand Joseph. I think he must have a touch of narcissism in him. He should just tell his brothers that he's their long-lost brother and not force them to go through the rigmarole of figuring it out for themselves.
Genesis 43 is a bit of a snooze. The brothers head back home unsure of what to do (you'll recall that Joseph had asked them to bring them their youngest brother - himself). Israel decides that they should return to him with tons of gifts, which is a very (negligent) Dad thing to do in a bad situation. My own father could always smooth things over with a new Jem doll. It was truly outrageous.
Israel suggests a fine sack of balm, honey, gum, myrrh and nuts (Gum and Nuts - Together at Last!). These seem like shitty gifts to me, but I only really like getting gift cards to the Bay. So the brothers head back and are invited to lunch with Joseph. He makes a big show about asking about their father which I guess is supposed to tip them off. It doesn't. Joseph must be having an extra emotional week because he excuses himself in order to go cry in private. He then returns and says, "Let food be served," (Gen 43:31) like an abused housewife with perfectionist tendencies.
Joseph sends his brothers away (again). He plants a silver cup on one of them and then gets his steward to bring them back on the accusation of stealing. What the fuck. I can't believe Andrew Lloyd Webber made a musical based on this guy; he's a giant douche.
Eventually, it's too much to bear for Joseph and he finally reveals himself. He promises to take care of his family during the famine. The Pharaoh is on board for this and says they can have "the fat of the land" of Egypt (Gen 45:18). Now we know where that expression comes from. Joseph sends his brothers away (yes, again) to get their father. If it were me, I'd be pissed unless I had the equivalent of a Metropass and even then, I'd still be slightly pissed. The reunion makes Joseph cry more which is weird because he could have made this whole thing happen a lot sooner.
Genesis 46 ends on a lame cliffhanger: Joseph's family has moved to Egypt, only to find out that their livelihood as shepherds is an abomination there. More sitcom-y writing in the Bible.
Genesis 43 is a bit of a snooze. The brothers head back home unsure of what to do (you'll recall that Joseph had asked them to bring them their youngest brother - himself). Israel decides that they should return to him with tons of gifts, which is a very (negligent) Dad thing to do in a bad situation. My own father could always smooth things over with a new Jem doll. It was truly outrageous.
Israel suggests a fine sack of balm, honey, gum, myrrh and nuts (Gum and Nuts - Together at Last!). These seem like shitty gifts to me, but I only really like getting gift cards to the Bay. So the brothers head back and are invited to lunch with Joseph. He makes a big show about asking about their father which I guess is supposed to tip them off. It doesn't. Joseph must be having an extra emotional week because he excuses himself in order to go cry in private. He then returns and says, "Let food be served," (Gen 43:31) like an abused housewife with perfectionist tendencies.
Joseph sends his brothers away (again). He plants a silver cup on one of them and then gets his steward to bring them back on the accusation of stealing. What the fuck. I can't believe Andrew Lloyd Webber made a musical based on this guy; he's a giant douche.
Eventually, it's too much to bear for Joseph and he finally reveals himself. He promises to take care of his family during the famine. The Pharaoh is on board for this and says they can have "the fat of the land" of Egypt (Gen 45:18). Now we know where that expression comes from. Joseph sends his brothers away (yes, again) to get their father. If it were me, I'd be pissed unless I had the equivalent of a Metropass and even then, I'd still be slightly pissed. The reunion makes Joseph cry more which is weird because he could have made this whole thing happen a lot sooner.
Genesis 46 ends on a lame cliffhanger: Joseph's family has moved to Egypt, only to find out that their livelihood as shepherds is an abomination there. More sitcom-y writing in the Bible.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
The Origin of Mad Cow Disease (Genesis 41-42)
It's two years later and the Pharaoh has an unsettling dream. He dreams that seven "sleek and fat" cows emerge out of the Nile and are eaten by seven other "gaunt and thin" cows (Gen 41:2-3). Gross. Joseph has built up a reputation as a dream interpreter (kind of new age-y for the Bible, methinks) and is called in to give his expert opinion. He says that the people in Egypt and surrounding areas can expect seven years of abundance followed by seven years of famine. Yeah - I guess that was pretty obvious. The Pharaoh is so pleased with Joseph's interpretation that he gives him a cool new nickname: Zaphenathpaneah. Just rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?
The Pharaoh decides to pass the buck to Joseph and make him in charge of storing grain and meting it out when the famine hits. It does and eventually Joseph's shitty brothers show up looking to buy some. They don't recognize him so he decides to pull a bit of a power trip. He holds one of them hostage (Simeon) and tells them he won't let him go until they return with their youngest brother (himself). However, he gives them all the grain they want for free. Mixed messages.
I don't really know what Joseph expects to get out of this scenario. Maybe he just wants them to realize that he's their brother and he's still alive. Why not just tell them? After all, he's much better off than they are: grain guy, dream interpreter, and pal to the Pharaoh. Even if you've been treated badly by someone, it always feels pretty great to run into them after you've got an awesome new job or lost a bunch of weight or got extensions or something. If your life is decidedly better than that someone's, it's easy to say, "Oh, it's all water under the bridge".
Anyway, the brothers scramble home wondering what the hell to do. Reuben, the only one who ever spoke up on Joseph's behalf, makes a bizarre promise to their father, Israel: "Slay my two sons if I do not bring him back to you; put him in my hands, and I will bring him back to you" (Gen 42:37). Quite drastic, I think, and a tad sitcom-y, too. It seems to set up a completely unnecessary conflict.
The Pharaoh decides to pass the buck to Joseph and make him in charge of storing grain and meting it out when the famine hits. It does and eventually Joseph's shitty brothers show up looking to buy some. They don't recognize him so he decides to pull a bit of a power trip. He holds one of them hostage (Simeon) and tells them he won't let him go until they return with their youngest brother (himself). However, he gives them all the grain they want for free. Mixed messages.
I don't really know what Joseph expects to get out of this scenario. Maybe he just wants them to realize that he's their brother and he's still alive. Why not just tell them? After all, he's much better off than they are: grain guy, dream interpreter, and pal to the Pharaoh. Even if you've been treated badly by someone, it always feels pretty great to run into them after you've got an awesome new job or lost a bunch of weight or got extensions or something. If your life is decidedly better than that someone's, it's easy to say, "Oh, it's all water under the bridge".
Anyway, the brothers scramble home wondering what the hell to do. Reuben, the only one who ever spoke up on Joseph's behalf, makes a bizarre promise to their father, Israel: "Slay my two sons if I do not bring him back to you; put him in my hands, and I will bring him back to you" (Gen 42:37). Quite drastic, I think, and a tad sitcom-y, too. It seems to set up a completely unnecessary conflict.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Mrs. Robinson (Genesis 39-40)
Genesis 39 returns to the whereabouts of Joseph. The Ismaelites take him down to Egypt where he's purchased by an Egyptian guy who makes him overseer of his house. The unfortunate thing is that the Egyptian guy's wife is hot for Joseph and a pretty persistent woman to boot. She keeps asking him to have sex with her and he keeps refusing her. One day she rips part of his clothing off and he runs away. This might be the first time a cougar makes an appearance in the Bible.
When she shows this piece of clothing to her husband she lies and says that Joseph tried to rape her. The Egyptian guy gets mad and throws Joseph in jail. Apparently, Joseph has some sort of inherent knack for organizing people because he jailkeeper puts Joseph in charge of the other prisons. If he lived today he'd probably a wedding planner.
While in jail, Joseph meets guys that, up until that point, worked for the Pharaoh: the chief butler and chief baker. The butler has this dream and gets Joseph to interpret it. I guess Joseph can do pretty much anything because "the Lord [is] with him" (Gen 39:1). Joseph interprets the dream to mean that the chief butler will be restored to his old office, which he is, but he fails to mention that the baker would also be hanged. I guess that wasn't noteworthy.
When she shows this piece of clothing to her husband she lies and says that Joseph tried to rape her. The Egyptian guy gets mad and throws Joseph in jail. Apparently, Joseph has some sort of inherent knack for organizing people because he jailkeeper puts Joseph in charge of the other prisons. If he lived today he'd probably a wedding planner.
While in jail, Joseph meets guys that, up until that point, worked for the Pharaoh: the chief butler and chief baker. The butler has this dream and gets Joseph to interpret it. I guess Joseph can do pretty much anything because "the Lord [is] with him" (Gen 39:1). Joseph interprets the dream to mean that the chief butler will be restored to his old office, which he is, but he fails to mention that the baker would also be hanged. I guess that wasn't noteworthy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)