Leviticus 14 finishes up the discussion on leprosy (I think). If you happen to have leprosy and are lucky enough to kick it then you have to go through a disturbing ritual to cleanse yourself:
1) Get yourself two birds. Doesn't really matter what kind although God seems to have a penchant for turtledoves.
2) Get yourself a priest. Make him kill one of the birds in an earthen vessel and then dip the other bird in its blood.
3) Relase the living, traumatized bird (like Jodie Foster running out of that bar in the first scene of The Accussed).
4) Go wash yourself and shave off all your body hair.
It's been established that lepers are unclean. No argument there. They're covered in nasty sores. But God goes a little far in stating that, "When any man has a discharge from his body, his discharge is unclean" (Lev 15:2). He's talking about semen. Dirty, disgusting semen. If a man ejaculates, his bed is unclean and he is unclean until the evening (this is working under the assumption that all sex happens in the morning). After having sex, the man and the woman are supposed to wash themselves immediately (and separately I'm assuming, lest a shared bath lead to more sexy time). The woman is unclean, too, until the evening. With all this talk of uncleanliness, how did anyone in biblical times ever get in the mood?
My Mum's Ancient Family Bible
Kept in the garage of all places for so many years, it's finally been put to good use.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
I am Leper, Hear me Roar (Leviticus 12-13)
Gentlemen, we're on the subject of periods.
Not surprisingly, a woman is unclean when she's on the rag. Since the Bible was written by men who were in the dark on these important manners, this is for the duration of two whole weeks. Because apparently that's how long periods last. Maybe that's the case if you've grown up on a diet of low-quality hormone-laden dairy and meat but otherwise -- and don't quote me on this -- you're looking at three to six days typically.
If a woman gives birth to a male child, she is unclean for thirty-three days; if she gives birth to a female child, it's sixty-six days because girls are exactly twice as gross as boys. My question is: what if she gives birth to an intersexual child? Huh? I guess she would be unclean for forty-nine and a half days.
Leviticus 13 turns to all things having to do with leprosy. How to diagnose, when to pitch tainted clothing, etc. For example, when you have an open sore (just one?), check to see if the surrounding hairs have turned white. If they're white, you have leprosy. This gets confusing if you're old and already have white hairs on your person. I'd recommend playing it safe and assuming you are indeed a leper.
The Bible instructs the leper to do the following: "wear torn clothes and let the hair of his head hang loose, and he shall cover his upper lip and cry, "Unclean, unclean." (Lev 13:45). Seems a tad harsh.
Leprosy is also known as Hansen's disease and according to Wikipedia, World Leprosy Day is January 31. Mark that in your calendars.
Not surprisingly, a woman is unclean when she's on the rag. Since the Bible was written by men who were in the dark on these important manners, this is for the duration of two whole weeks. Because apparently that's how long periods last. Maybe that's the case if you've grown up on a diet of low-quality hormone-laden dairy and meat but otherwise -- and don't quote me on this -- you're looking at three to six days typically.
If a woman gives birth to a male child, she is unclean for thirty-three days; if she gives birth to a female child, it's sixty-six days because girls are exactly twice as gross as boys. My question is: what if she gives birth to an intersexual child? Huh? I guess she would be unclean for forty-nine and a half days.
Leviticus 13 turns to all things having to do with leprosy. How to diagnose, when to pitch tainted clothing, etc. For example, when you have an open sore (just one?), check to see if the surrounding hairs have turned white. If they're white, you have leprosy. This gets confusing if you're old and already have white hairs on your person. I'd recommend playing it safe and assuming you are indeed a leper.
The Bible instructs the leper to do the following: "wear torn clothes and let the hair of his head hang loose, and he shall cover his upper lip and cry, "Unclean, unclean." (Lev 13:45). Seems a tad harsh.
Leprosy is also known as Hansen's disease and according to Wikipedia, World Leprosy Day is January 31. Mark that in your calendars.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
What You Can and Can't Eat (Leviticus 10-11)
Now it starts to get good (finally).
Before I submit a definitive list of what you can and can't eat according to the Bible, I should mention that two of Aaron's sons, Nadab and Abihu, decide to make things a little more festive by lighting some incense. This pisses God off royally because he considers patchouli and the like to be "unholy fire" (Lev 10:1). He is so incensed (get it?) by this act that he gets Moses and some of their other relatives to kick them out of the Hebrews-only camp they've set up (at the base of Mount Sinai, I think). No incense? Tell that to the Catholics. They love that shit.
Leviticus 11 plainly lays out which animals are fit for human consumption and which aren't. The criteria is that they have to be both cloven-footed and chew cud. So I'm guessing cows are okay. So are horses by the same token. What's not okay are camels, rock badgers, hares and pigs (Lev 11:4-7).
I didn't know what a rock badger was but a Google search pulled up an image of a Magic Card that told me that a rock badger has the power of being "unblockable as long as defending player controls a Mountain". No wonder you can't eat them. Very few of us controls mountains.
As for les fruits de mer, you can eat whatever you want provided it has fins and scales. All fish are okay but sharks, dolphins, lobsters, shrimps, etc are off the list. The Bible is not super-specific about naming the seafood you can't eat but the criteria would cut out a lot of tasty stuff for which I personally have tremendous food nostalgia (popcorn shrimp, in particular). The Bible is, however, super-specific about naming the birds you can't eat. These include: eagles, carrion vultures, ospreys, falcons, ravens, nighthawks, regular hawks, ostrich, seagulls, owls, cormorants, ibis, water hens, pelicans, carrion vultures (yes, named twice in the same paragraph for emphasis), storks, hoopoe (huh?) and bats (Lev 11:13-18). Note to the brillant zoologist on hand when the Bible was being written: bats are not birds.
You can't eat winged insects except for locusts. You can eat grasshoppers. This is good if you happen to go to Thailand and want to look like a tourist. You can't eat anything that "swarms". Probably a good rule of thumb. You can't eat weasels, mice, geckos, land crocodiles, sand lizards, regular lizards or chameleons (e.g., Gary Olfman or Cate Blanchett).
Worse than being a vegan.
Before I submit a definitive list of what you can and can't eat according to the Bible, I should mention that two of Aaron's sons, Nadab and Abihu, decide to make things a little more festive by lighting some incense. This pisses God off royally because he considers patchouli and the like to be "unholy fire" (Lev 10:1). He is so incensed (get it?) by this act that he gets Moses and some of their other relatives to kick them out of the Hebrews-only camp they've set up (at the base of Mount Sinai, I think). No incense? Tell that to the Catholics. They love that shit.
Leviticus 11 plainly lays out which animals are fit for human consumption and which aren't. The criteria is that they have to be both cloven-footed and chew cud. So I'm guessing cows are okay. So are horses by the same token. What's not okay are camels, rock badgers, hares and pigs (Lev 11:4-7).
I didn't know what a rock badger was but a Google search pulled up an image of a Magic Card that told me that a rock badger has the power of being "unblockable as long as defending player controls a Mountain". No wonder you can't eat them. Very few of us controls mountains.
As for les fruits de mer, you can eat whatever you want provided it has fins and scales. All fish are okay but sharks, dolphins, lobsters, shrimps, etc are off the list. The Bible is not super-specific about naming the seafood you can't eat but the criteria would cut out a lot of tasty stuff for which I personally have tremendous food nostalgia (popcorn shrimp, in particular). The Bible is, however, super-specific about naming the birds you can't eat. These include: eagles, carrion vultures, ospreys, falcons, ravens, nighthawks, regular hawks, ostrich, seagulls, owls, cormorants, ibis, water hens, pelicans, carrion vultures (yes, named twice in the same paragraph for emphasis), storks, hoopoe (huh?) and bats (Lev 11:13-18). Note to the brillant zoologist on hand when the Bible was being written: bats are not birds.
You can't eat winged insects except for locusts. You can eat grasshoppers. This is good if you happen to go to Thailand and want to look like a tourist. You can't eat anything that "swarms". Probably a good rule of thumb. You can't eat weasels, mice, geckos, land crocodiles, sand lizards, regular lizards or chameleons (e.g., Gary Olfman or Cate Blanchett).
Worse than being a vegan.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Faceplant! (Leviticus 6-9)
It seems that the subject of animal sacrifice will not be put to rest anytime soon. One of the things that I didn't mention was that the sacrificial altars that Moses and Aaron use are decked out with giant horns on either side (like a Viking helmet) and each and every time a sacrifice is made the horns get ritualistically smeared with blood. Very dark.
In the previous post, I pointed out that it is easy to be deemed unclean. Here's more on that: "You shall eat no fat, of ox, or sheep, or goat. The fat of an animal that dies of itself, and the fat of one that is torn by beasts, may be put to any other use, but on no account shall you eat it. For every person who eats of the fat of an animal of which an offering by fire is made to the Lord shall be cut off from his people" (Lev 7:22-25). Wait a minute. I understand that it's not good to eat what is basically road kill; however, eating no fat whatsoever from the aforementioned animals is completely unreasonable. Personally, I adore fatty meat and am not above eating six pieces of peameal bacon in one sitting.
Sometimes in an animal sacrifice, the priests some of the animals blood purposefully smeared on them: "And Moses killed it, and took some of its blood and put it on the tip of Aaron's right ear and on the thumb of his right hand, and on the great toe of his right foot" (Lev 8:23). I think this happened in a scene from The Lost Boys (starring the two Coreys, one of which had impeccable comedic timing).
Leviticus 9 describes an animal sacrifice that is apparently so mind-blowing that all the Israelites "shouted, and fell on their faces" (Lev 9:24). This is pretty funny to me. There's been so much sacrificing already that you'd think they'd be used to it by now. Weirdos.
In the previous post, I pointed out that it is easy to be deemed unclean. Here's more on that: "You shall eat no fat, of ox, or sheep, or goat. The fat of an animal that dies of itself, and the fat of one that is torn by beasts, may be put to any other use, but on no account shall you eat it. For every person who eats of the fat of an animal of which an offering by fire is made to the Lord shall be cut off from his people" (Lev 7:22-25). Wait a minute. I understand that it's not good to eat what is basically road kill; however, eating no fat whatsoever from the aforementioned animals is completely unreasonable. Personally, I adore fatty meat and am not above eating six pieces of peameal bacon in one sitting.
Sometimes in an animal sacrifice, the priests some of the animals blood purposefully smeared on them: "And Moses killed it, and took some of its blood and put it on the tip of Aaron's right ear and on the thumb of his right hand, and on the great toe of his right foot" (Lev 8:23). I think this happened in a scene from The Lost Boys (starring the two Coreys, one of which had impeccable comedic timing).
Leviticus 9 describes an animal sacrifice that is apparently so mind-blowing that all the Israelites "shouted, and fell on their faces" (Lev 9:24). This is pretty funny to me. There's been so much sacrificing already that you'd think they'd be used to it by now. Weirdos.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Ladies! Give Your Fat Up to the Lord! (Leviticus 1-5)
Leviticus is all about specifics. I like that. Whenever I watch comedy, it's always the specifics that make me laugh.
The first few chapters of Leviticus deal with the subject of animal sacrifice and what passes muster and what doesn't. Sacrificing a mangy animal is a no-no. Wasting the fat is a no-no. God is especially keen on the blood being splattered around as much as possible. He wants a show.
All the fat must be burned separately as an offering because "all fat is the Lord's" (Lev 3:16). This sounds to me like the slogan for a women's weight-loss clinic with evangelical leanings (Put down that Three Muskateers - give your fat up to Jesus!"). In my imagination this clinic would also incorporate a mild circuit of exercises resembling nothing more than shifting your weight back and forth. And possibly some calf stretches.
Not every offering has to be an animal. If you're too poor to make a proper offering of a bull or a ram, you can offer up two turtledoves or pidgeons or even some flour. Leviticus 2 discusses these "cereal offerings". In the case of cereal offerings, if there are any leftovers (which is not a word I easily associate with the concept of religious sacrifices) then Aaron and his sons get them because they're the priests. That's the best. I love it when I host a party and people bring lots of food and it just gets left at my place afterward. The number of lunches I'm able to assemble is my gauge for how successful the party was (for me).
Leviticus 5 starts to get into sins. Did you know it's a sin to take a "rash oath" (Lev 5:4)? It doesn't even matter if you're promises to do good or bad - it's a sin to be hasty in your decision-making. There are also a lot of ways in which you can become "unclean". For example, "...if he touches human uncleanness, of whatever sort [italics added] the uncleanness may be with which one becomes unclean, and it is hidden from him, when he comes to know it he shall be guilty" (Lev 5:3). This sounds wide-open but after reading it a couple of times, I think it's referring to getting a venereal disease with slow-to-show symptoms from someone you don't know very well (obviously). That's a sin.
The first few chapters of Leviticus deal with the subject of animal sacrifice and what passes muster and what doesn't. Sacrificing a mangy animal is a no-no. Wasting the fat is a no-no. God is especially keen on the blood being splattered around as much as possible. He wants a show.
All the fat must be burned separately as an offering because "all fat is the Lord's" (Lev 3:16). This sounds to me like the slogan for a women's weight-loss clinic with evangelical leanings (Put down that Three Muskateers - give your fat up to Jesus!"). In my imagination this clinic would also incorporate a mild circuit of exercises resembling nothing more than shifting your weight back and forth. And possibly some calf stretches.
Not every offering has to be an animal. If you're too poor to make a proper offering of a bull or a ram, you can offer up two turtledoves or pidgeons or even some flour. Leviticus 2 discusses these "cereal offerings". In the case of cereal offerings, if there are any leftovers (which is not a word I easily associate with the concept of religious sacrifices) then Aaron and his sons get them because they're the priests. That's the best. I love it when I host a party and people bring lots of food and it just gets left at my place afterward. The number of lunches I'm able to assemble is my gauge for how successful the party was (for me).
Leviticus 5 starts to get into sins. Did you know it's a sin to take a "rash oath" (Lev 5:4)? It doesn't even matter if you're promises to do good or bad - it's a sin to be hasty in your decision-making. There are also a lot of ways in which you can become "unclean". For example, "...if he touches human uncleanness, of whatever sort [italics added] the uncleanness may be with which one becomes unclean, and it is hidden from him, when he comes to know it he shall be guilty" (Lev 5:3). This sounds wide-open but after reading it a couple of times, I think it's referring to getting a venereal disease with slow-to-show symptoms from someone you don't know very well (obviously). That's a sin.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
No S'mores on the Sabbath (Exodus 35-40)
Finally I'm done Exodus. I've been looking forward to the next book, Leviticus, because I hear tell that it's got some of the weirdest, most obscure prescriptions. I'm pretty sure it's entirely devoted to what you can eat and who you can have sex with (and when). This is precisely what any religion boils down to.
Exodus 35 starts out with Moses yammering on about the importance of the sabbath. We get it, already. Rest on the seventh day. He also says to "kindle no fire in all your habitations," (Exo 35:3) which I think is the reason why orthodox Jews don't use electricity in their homes on the sabbath. I don't know. This seems like a dumb rule to me. Here's why:
Electricity = a physical phenomenon associated with stationary or moving electrons and protons
Fire = the phenomenon of combustion manifested in light, flame and heat
So, they're two different things. Electricity is not fire. So enjoy your Lite Brites on the sabbath, Jews!
Okay, in all honesty, I wasn't as fully engaged in reading the last chapters of Exodus. The reason being that they're mostly devoted to how God scams his people for their gold ("I want your gold!") so he can get Moses to use it to build some of the fancy stuff he wants; in particular, "the tabernacle, its tent and its covering, its hooks and its frames, its bars, its pillars, and its bases; the ark with its poles, the mercy seat, and the veil of the screen..." (Exo 35:11-12).
The Israelites are poor to begin with, and there aren't that many of them left after Moses called for a moderately-sized slaughter. So it seems a tad insensitive on God's part to expect them to cough up their valuables so he can have all these flashy things. The worst of it is that God wants Moses and Aaron to have "holy garments" to wear when they're tending to his shrine. There is extensive description of the jewel-laden breastplates they're supposed to wear. They must weigh fifty pounds each. Their robes are also hemmed with bells (to warn bears of their approach...?) and pomegranates, which aren't light either.
At the very end of Exodus, Moses blesses his people, in what I consider to be a smug, self-satisfied gesture. Since when does he go around blessing people?
Exodus 35 starts out with Moses yammering on about the importance of the sabbath. We get it, already. Rest on the seventh day. He also says to "kindle no fire in all your habitations," (Exo 35:3) which I think is the reason why orthodox Jews don't use electricity in their homes on the sabbath. I don't know. This seems like a dumb rule to me. Here's why:
Electricity = a physical phenomenon associated with stationary or moving electrons and protons
Fire = the phenomenon of combustion manifested in light, flame and heat
So, they're two different things. Electricity is not fire. So enjoy your Lite Brites on the sabbath, Jews!
Okay, in all honesty, I wasn't as fully engaged in reading the last chapters of Exodus. The reason being that they're mostly devoted to how God scams his people for their gold ("I want your gold!") so he can get Moses to use it to build some of the fancy stuff he wants; in particular, "the tabernacle, its tent and its covering, its hooks and its frames, its bars, its pillars, and its bases; the ark with its poles, the mercy seat, and the veil of the screen..." (Exo 35:11-12).
The Israelites are poor to begin with, and there aren't that many of them left after Moses called for a moderately-sized slaughter. So it seems a tad insensitive on God's part to expect them to cough up their valuables so he can have all these flashy things. The worst of it is that God wants Moses and Aaron to have "holy garments" to wear when they're tending to his shrine. There is extensive description of the jewel-laden breastplates they're supposed to wear. They must weigh fifty pounds each. Their robes are also hemmed with bells (to warn bears of their approach...?) and pomegranates, which aren't light either.
At the very end of Exodus, Moses blesses his people, in what I consider to be a smug, self-satisfied gesture. Since when does he go around blessing people?
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Jealous? (Exodus 33-34)
For some reason or other, God keeps referring to Moses and his people as a "stiff-necked people" (Exo 33:5). I didn't mention this when it came up in previous passages but it's used quite a few times off the top of Exodus 33. I guess it means that they're stubborn. This seems a little uncalled for since the people that are still kicking around have followed Moses out of Egypt, marched through the parted Red Sea, spent days and nights waiting at the base of a mountain (with nothing to do) and killed thousands of their friends on command. They seem pretty flexible to me.
Anyways, God promises to take Moses and his people to a new land of "milk and honey," (Exo 34:3) which I surmise is next to Candyland. He also promises to drive out the following people: the Canaanites, the Amorites, the Hittites, the Perizzites, the Hivites and the Jebusites. So far everyone is bad according to the Bible except the Israelites, and even that herd keeps getting culled.
Not only will he get rid of these other tribes, God fully endorses the desecration of their altars to other gods. He says, "you shall worship no other god, for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous god" (Exo 33:14). No kidding? I think I'll start asking people if they believe in Jealous.
Moses is a little frustrated that he hasn't gotten to see God's face. I don't know what he expects. God's compromise is to stand Moses on a rock, cover him with his huge, holy hand so he can't see anything, then remove it at the last minute so Moses can get a glimpse of his back. Maybe God is a butterface.
Moses and God have to redo the tablets for the Ten Commandments because Moses broke the last two in one of his increasingly more common spazzes. So they go off together for a while back up to Mount Sinai. When Moses returns, his face is all glowy and shiny like he just got a facial because he's been talking with God. "And when Aaron and all the people of Israel saw Moses, behold, the skin of his face shone, and they were afraid to come near him" (Exo 34:30). This makes perfect sense to me because when I get a facial, I usually get waxing done at the same time (to remove my light, downy lady-beard) and it is scary for about an hour or two afterward, until my follicles calm down.
Anyways, God promises to take Moses and his people to a new land of "milk and honey," (Exo 34:3) which I surmise is next to Candyland. He also promises to drive out the following people: the Canaanites, the Amorites, the Hittites, the Perizzites, the Hivites and the Jebusites. So far everyone is bad according to the Bible except the Israelites, and even that herd keeps getting culled.
Not only will he get rid of these other tribes, God fully endorses the desecration of their altars to other gods. He says, "you shall worship no other god, for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous god" (Exo 33:14). No kidding? I think I'll start asking people if they believe in Jealous.
Moses is a little frustrated that he hasn't gotten to see God's face. I don't know what he expects. God's compromise is to stand Moses on a rock, cover him with his huge, holy hand so he can't see anything, then remove it at the last minute so Moses can get a glimpse of his back. Maybe God is a butterface.
Moses and God have to redo the tablets for the Ten Commandments because Moses broke the last two in one of his increasingly more common spazzes. So they go off together for a while back up to Mount Sinai. When Moses returns, his face is all glowy and shiny like he just got a facial because he's been talking with God. "And when Aaron and all the people of Israel saw Moses, behold, the skin of his face shone, and they were afraid to come near him" (Exo 34:30). This makes perfect sense to me because when I get a facial, I usually get waxing done at the same time (to remove my light, downy lady-beard) and it is scary for about an hour or two afterward, until my follicles calm down.
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